December 27th 2025 2:30am Hello. I'm not sure what I'm going to do with this place but I know someone who's been using this platform and it seemed like a good nostalgic way to express my thoughts in an attractive and customizable format without the slop of an algorithm and everyone shouting amongst eachother. So I figured I'd give it a try. It was fun putting together what I have so far. I haven't done any real coding since I was probably 13. It's funny to imagine how quick I would code my MySpace at that age and then how quickly the knowledge just disappeared as if I'd never done it before. I've been learning and relearning alot of things lately in alot of different subjects and hobbies. It's been slightly overwhelming and I may be burning myself out but I've been burnt out ongoing for the last 2 years now so I might as well invest in educating myself in things that interest me instead of just phone rotting, despite feeling like a shell of a person with one lung and one brain cell. Uhhh. I've been learning a new digital audio workstation and jumping back into making music after almost 4 years of writers block. I've never gone this long without making music and it's been frustrating and quite sad to see what I've lost musically in these years that have passed. But I know it's still in there, I was born with it atleast so I just have to dig it back up from the gene grave. Ontop of that, this is the first time I've had real software, studio equipment and decent instruments to record with. Setting it all up has been a nightmare tbh. Growing up in poverty and playing completely by ear/doing everything DIY and experimental with limited tools and resources - I've jumped into a whole new world with very limited knowledge on alot of things. Almost all of my music was made on my phone with a hand me down guitar, cheap keyboard, or crappy free digital instruments on a free DAW similar to GarageBand, without any kind of real midi previously. I'm proud of what I've made in the past but I always knew I could do better, and felt very defeated and stunted in the possibilities of what I could do with music due to financial setbacks. So anyways, learning learning learning. These entire past few years have been full of so much learning tbh. Living alone for the first time, having my first long term car, my first real career path, first sober relationship, first time working more than one job at once, it's been quite alot. But I keep going and growing and that's cool even tho idk how I've been capable of any of it. Doesn't really feel like it's me that's done all of it truthfully. I only feel like I'm in my body whenever it all decides to hit me at once without my consent, whenever the lows hit. And only then I'm like "oh yeah. I'm real and this has all been happening to me". As per usual though, this is how I've always been. Goodnight!

December 28th 2025 12:45am Today was an incredibly long day. I was off work which was great atleast but I did alot of cleaning. I woke up around 11 and then went to get coffee and a new vape. I got a salted caramel cold foam cold brew and a vape that apparently tastes like apples and berries. I had so much anxiety about just going to the vape store today I laid in bed for about an hour before even leaving the house just trying to figure out which one I wanted to go to. When I got back I started cleaning. Having a long haired cat with a black coat turns your home into one giant cave of fur. Fur on everything. In places you wouldn't even imagine it. Did lots of baseboard scrubbing, dusting, sweeping. I also did the dishes. I am so tired of doing dishes. I listened to alot of electronic music today, found some new things I liked and listened to more of some artists I found recently. Really enjoying Helene Vogelsinger's music right now. Also found a good band recently called Nid + Sancy. After cleaning, I picked out something to wear to a friend's art show that I'm attending tomorrow. I'll be visiting Pensacola. It's been quite a long time since I've been back. Probably about 2 years or so if I'm remembering correctly, right around when I started dating Sarah. I wish I went out there more, but I'm still a scaredy cat about driving long distances. I never drove once when I lived in pensacola so despite being very familiar with the area, I'm still very unfamiliar with the roads and the way people drive now compared to then. I will practice eventually though. Alot of my friends are still out there. I'm excited to show Sarah a part of the Pensacola music and art scene culture that made me who I am. After that, I made some dinner and worked on music. Finally messed around with some vocals but it's very frustrating. I went with buying FL Studio bc I heard it was best for beginner DAW users, even though I had briefly used Logic in the past, I just figured it would be best for me starting out with something more professional but it's truthfully so complicated for no reason. The microphone I got has been a pain in the ass to use with it, I am going to have to end up getting an audio interface to fix the ongoing latency issues within FLStudio because it just won't stay corrected for long term use or when other plug ins are being used. I keep getting frustrated with jumping back into music because I don't really know what my genre is. I never have known, I've just made whatever came to me. But since it's been so long since I've written and produced anything, I keep making things that don't match the sound or style I'm imagining in my head when I start a new file. Idk, I am enjoying the fact that I am creating several times a week now though, compared to nothing at all for several years. I know it will take time for me to get back into the flow and find my sound again. Other than that, today was pretty decent. Just a bit much on my body with all the cleaning and a bit much on my brain with all the music making. I am really looking forward to seeing my friend's show tomorrow and seeing friends meeting some ppl I've never met before but talked to online. I'm proud of myself for socializing again like I have been for the past year or so. Within the past 6 months I've been getting out alot more. It used to be extremely hard for me to get close to new people.. but one by one I am getting better with it, step by step. I still do have to take a klonopin in order to socialize out of the ordinary daily work socializing etc, alot of the time. Especially with new people. But I hope eventually I won't need to.